I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to write here, so bare with me while I offload a little. This will undoubtedly be somewhat self-indulgent – which most things I write are, I suppose – but feels needed all the same.
This summer has been an odd one in several ways, and one of the results of that seems to be that all motivation for my blog has disappeared, and the poor thing has become a barren wasteland. I’ve noticed that this seems to be a running theme for a few people – a lack of blog motivation, that is, not the barren wasteland bit – but I can’t say I’ve been feeling particularly inspired for anything else either.
Because this is not supposed to be another blog post from another blogger about how and why they aren’t blogging; I could write one of those, of course, but firstly blogging about blogging can be very boring and is something I’m guilty of doing too much, and secondly my lacklustre approach at the moment doesn’t start and end with this neglected website. That’s just a way of introducing the topic, something symptomatic of a wider experience.
Because lacklustre is really the only way I can describe my approach to pretty much everything throughout the past few months. Lacklustre at best, in fact, and at worst I’d probably say ‘miserable cow’ or ‘overdramatic idiot’. I’ve found it all somewhat confusing, because it doesn’t make logical sense: it was summer! There was a heatwave! I have a lovely life! I know lots of lovely people! Dogs exist! Linda McCartney now makes vegan scampi! Things are good.
Except for the fact that my mojo, whatever that actually means, has taken leave of me.
I’ve lost my work mojo, I’ve lost my socialising mojo, I’ve lost my exercise mojo. I’ve lost every mojo going, and I actually hate the word mojo with a passion, so I don’t know why I’m using it. Clearly, I haven’t stopped attending work, because they don’t permit me to do that, and I’ve managed to drag myself along to the gym with a degree of regularity (albeit less frequently than I usually would), but everything has felt quite a lot more like wading through treacle than it has skipping through meadows.
The past few months seem to have happened without me ever really experiencing them; I’ve been living in my head and it feels like summer entirely passed me by. I didn’t blink and miss it – time passes quickly, we all know that, but this time has gone at an averagely quick pace rather than disappearing altogether – so what have I done with the time? I honestly have no idea. I couldn’t tell you if I tried. Existing, I suppose, is the best I can come up with.
I’m fine, to be clear, lest I now receive several concerned messages from the friends and relatives who I know will read this. I’m just a bit…flat? Tired? Bored? Uninspired? Potentially a useless person?
Perfectionism is rearing its irritating (but presumably very well groomed) head with alarming regularity and has been doing so for so long that I’ve given up with bothering to talk about it. It’s still the cause of all procrastination and my biggest blockade; the disappearance of my energy has only fed that. Aside from that, I just feel like I’ve lost my spark – if, indeed, I had one to lose, of course. I can’t be bothered with loads of things I know I am bothered about, and inspiration is nowhere to be seen.
So, what’s the plan? How do I tackle this? I’m glad you asked, because there isn’t really one, but there is perhaps an ‘approach’ of sorts.
We’re going on holiday a week today. The thought alone has made me feel better than anything else has all summer. My only trip this year has been Holland, which was wonderful, but 1) I haven’t had any time off at home either, so I’ve been solidly at the daily grind for all eight months of 2018 so far 2) Travel is very important to me, and I would usually try to feed my soul, so to speak, with a few more trips. (and also 3) Holland was a press trip, so can’t actually be considered a break. I know, I hate me too for saying that, but it turns out it’s true).
I’ve (temporarily, I hope) taken my foot off the pedal on all things blog and Instagram; clearly my lack of productivity there was the very thing I started this post by saying and has been going on for some time, but I’d then waste time berating myself about not publishing, so it’s always been at the forefront of my mind anyway.
That’s something I’m making an effort to stop doing so that I can properly relax (not something that comes naturally to my highly-strung self), and I’ve taken this attitude into other things that I generally fail at then worry about too; keeping up with replying to people, emails, ironing, and the like. Instead, I’m focusing on straight up day to day living – getting up and getting ready and going to work, cooking dinner, getting outside at the weekend. It’s making everyone who emails me hate me but I can’t help but feel that some things are more important than replying to a message about moisturiser or a new range of earrings the same day.
I’m rediscovering my lifelong love of reading and allowing myself to spend time in other worlds, rather than sending yet another Whatsapp (which is probably a late reply anyway) or leaving another Instagram comment. And in all those things – small, everyday, perhaps even quite *wholesome* things – I’m hoping that my spark somehow makes its own way back to me. Preferably via Italy, which is where we’re off to on holiday.
I think I might be through the worst of it – I’m writing this, in any case, so something must be happening. In the meantime, if someone finds the real Sophie, please point her in the direction of her body, which is sitting here – feeling hopeful, at least, that the end of this spell might be on the horizon – waiting to be full of get up and go again.
What I’m wearing
Dress – H&M | Head scarf – Zara | Bag – Zara | Shoes – Superga
Photography: Robert Poor
These images were originally taken for the intu Chapelfield summer magazine; the dress, bag and headscarf were purchased with a gift card given to me for this purpose. There was no obligation to publish anything myself, but it seemed a shame not to put the snaps up on the blog!